At first, you were magnets that attracted each other. You’re common denominator was like glue it, made you stay to get to know more. Your silence, then became the fire that melted the wax … couldn’t stand it but, didn’t undress it. – Miriam Kimani
You can gladly refer to me as Leo Mpoke , a born again Christian . I am 17 years old, but have lived long enough to gather twenty-something –years of experience. I love people, but porridge before them. I have immense passion for journalism, anything that would see me lay hands on a camera or a script is my number 1 bae thus being a journalist. Did I mention I am tall, dark, single and finally faithfully handsome? Ya’ll single ladies looking at my photo and going like, ‘Gosh, his smile! Just like the one the Jesus showed me in a dream’ I want to tell you I am the one! Don’t waste time, send in your papers, after corona virus has gone back to its mother, I’ll do the shortlisting.
Before that though, welcome to this read – Deal Breakers! These are things/pointers that will cause you either not to date someone or call it quits if you were dating.
When considering the type of partner you want to end up with, a couple things come up eventually leading to the popular ‘check list’. Oh how ya’ll ladies will kill us with this term! From their looks, to their sense of humor, to how they treat you, to as crazy as them having blue eyes. Woe unto us African men with plain black or white eyes. But at least they like us for our masculinity, tallness and darkness. All African men say aye!
But just as there are specific things we are looking for in the person we hope to end up with, there are experiences we hope never to encounter. As much as everyone’s’ list is different, there are those that cut across the board of which I equally subscribe to as well. Being in love and having it reciprocated is the best feeling any living creature could ever experience. I mean, don’t cats love it when you stroke their fur? And don’t you love it when all of a sudden they run under your bed or enter you store room and emerge with a cockroach or a rat? Yeah, so we all agree that such kind of love – 2 way love goes a long way.
Right into it then:
✓ Non – BELIEVER – This to me is a total deal breaker hence jotting it as numero Uno. When things turn nasty, you want someone who recognizes that not all battles are fought physically – most of them are fought on knees in a secret place. A partner who recognizes and professes the existence of God is for keeps. Many marriages today are crumbling and crashing to divorce because the focus is not on God but in something else. Finding a believing partner may seem far from reality to many but the word of God will never fail, no matter what happens to the relationship, when a spouse puts his/her relationship in God he/she will never be put to shame. This is equally clear in Acts 16:31 “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you and your household will be saved”
✓ Not having the same values – comparing their values to yours is an important aspect that need not be ignored. Do they see eye to eye on values like integrity, ambition, and other things important to you? Having the same values means you both believe in some of the core things in your lives. These are the same values that keep you together during tough times and will equally bring joy during high moments in the relationship. Attraction and chemistry are amazing, but what happens when looks fade and the spark wears off? Values define who you are and will keep you rooted. Even the Bible in Amos 3:3 asks “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”
✓ Not Trustworthy – Every single relationship whether business, friendship or intimacy is based on trust. We all want a partner who will always be reliable, tell you the truth when you speak about their past, present or future and that you could confide in them. I hear nowadays we refer to such a person as a ride or die- one who would catch a bullet for you simply because you have lots of confidence in them and you feel safe with them physically and emotionally. I would intertwine trust with communication. You would want to identify with an individual who always communicates about how and what they feel. A healthy communication style can make it easier to deal with conflict and build a stronger and healthier partnership. I personally cherish communication, not being an angel I wouldn’t know what my partner expects. I used to communicate literally almost everything to my would-be partner, even the color of sock I was planning to put on the following day, and in turn she would even tell me the color of the bag she was carrying or even the color of her eye liner! Sounds petty right? But sexy at the same time. At least to me. But guess what, we ended up knowing each other so well…how about you try that out? You will thank me later
✓ Not being over their ex – I will not dare dwell on this, no, not even for a minute! Bygones are bygones and it should stay that way, period! Otherwise, why are you wasting the other person’s time if you are not over your former lover? People’s hearts aren’t footballs to be kicked north, south, east and west. Learn to respect your partner’s heart by fully committing to them and them alone. Adopting a business model here – respect yourself well enough not to start a new deal while your former customer is waiting for you to finalize a pending deal. You are either in or in!
✓ An abusive partner – Any type of abuse caused by your partner should be a deal breaker. Whether physical, verbal, or emotional, that should not be tolerated. How many times has just a kick or slap turned to RIP? I’m not saying that it will always end up in death, but we’ve all seen most of them not ending too well. I personally feel and would advise on walking out on the first violent act either partner committed. How sure are you that they will one day change and not hit you? If it was a one day anger, no human being is a punching bag, better still, let them direct that anger to doing laundry… I can imagine how sparkling clean they’ll come out…please imagine with me…thanks . Your partner should be your best friend, biggest advocate and cheer leader, not your enemy.
That’s just about it for now as far as listing what I perceive as deal breakers in relationships. I’m sure you will agree to most if not all of them. Feel free to add to the list. At this juncture, allow me to digress a bit. Stay with me though. Other than deal breakers being the major reasons why someone wouldn’t date the other, I tend to feel some “deal breakers” are just meant to push people away. Having not done or tried something doesn’t mean you should totally discredit it – I say this because a friend of mine liked this gorgeous lady and asked her out on a couple of dates. The dates progressed to them liking each other and gradually they fell in love. This was one of those relationships that my friend decided to give his all; you see those ones that would make you walk from Nairobi to Mombasa just to deliver a bar of chocolate? Those ones. So sweet and thoughtful right? I think this dude might have kissed too many frogs that he almost kissed a moody pregnant one then this lady happened! So you see it had to work or work.
Came the day the lady was to give her answer …she said NO! In caps just as I’ve written. Reason being, my guy is a year younger than her and she had never gone out with a younger guy. No occasions of him ever acting immature, none. In fact the lady at this point really liked him and wouldn’t even mind starting a family with him if so God wished. But all those wishes were just that- wishes! My guy still tries as hard as a man should, hoping one day his princess charming would decide to write their story differently from other people and give him a chance to what would probably turn out to be a wonderful love tale. But this time round he’s trying it differently – on his knees! Let it be noted that I am the one who gave out that advice, me Leo Mpoke. I can be quite wisdomous, guys lol !
Back to where I suggested, just because you have never done it or tried it, you should not be quick to discredit it. It is obvious to the world that the man must always be the older one in the relationship. Fair enough- but I dare add that age doesn’t come with maturity. Let us not fear to be different, let us not fear to write our own stories despite the fact that they will be different from others. Love covers a multitude of sin; love will make you not focus on how young your partner is, love will instead make you see the better side of them. Just to throw a spanner in the wax, renowned Bishop TD Jakes is younger than his wife Serita ! I’m just putting it out there.
After all is said and done, it is a personal decision to decide whether or not you can put up with your partner’s deal breakers or not. Love is a choice- it therefore is a personal choice to love whoever you choose to. I would implore you to take up my list and run along with it, of course adding whatever fits you best. To those like my friend who was discredited because of age, keep pursuing and keep praying over the matter. God is too faithful to leave you halfway. To those who have found love, it’s all good we too will soon find it, meanwhile love, forgive, trust, cherish that person; re -do that every single day. Above all, pray for and with them. I’m done here!
Lots of love and appreciation to Miriam Kimani; I never saw myself writing on your blog. I made it. Asante… Come home let’s do what I do best – shooting people! Not to kill but to tell their stories.
Ya’ll reading this want to give me some feedback? Find me as Leo Mpoke on all socials and email@example.com on mail.
More Grace, Peace, Love and Light.